


Too Much

by RPGwrites



Series: Choices [3]
Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Character Death, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:15:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25744177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RPGwrites/pseuds/RPGwrites
Summary: The war costs them so much pain and destruction it's enough to make a person hopeless. How much can one take? How much is too much? Eventually, Shepard reaches the point on having enough and Kaidan is the only one seeing it. They lost enough people already.
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Female Shepard
Series: Choices [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1867495
Comments: 11
Kudos: 16





	Too Much

**Author's Note:**

> Prompted by: [ LJANdersen ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LJANdersen). The prompt is: "Whoa! Have you been standing there the whole time?" 
> 
> A big shoutout to [ slaytonic ](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/slaytanic) for betaing. Thank you so much for all your help.

When did it start to get too much for her?

Death. Destruction. These were inseparable parts of fighting a war. Sacrifices needed to be made but they are never easy.

First Kaidan and Ash almost died on Virmire, but Shepard decided to get them both out of there. There was no way in hell Saren would cause her to lose one of her teammates. She would fight for both of them. Back then Kaidan already climbed into her heart. They had a special bond and she could trust him more than anyone else in her life. Ashley became a close friend. Charlotte Shepard couldn’t bare to lose any of them. 

So she fought with everything she has and with a few consequences she succeeded. 

Then the Collectors came and she thought she would die. She still remembered being suffocated in space. Not being able to breathe and was left to die. It was one of the worst experiences in her life. She thought her fight was over but the Galaxy said no. 

It pained her that her reunion with Kaidan and Ashley didn’t go well. But there was nothing she could do. So she threw herself into work. It was all she could do. Garrus was there for her. He was a good friend. Later Liara supported her as well even though she didn’t join this fight. She made an unexpected bond with her teammates. 

She was lucky, she knew it. Some of them should’ve died on the suicide mission. After all, it was called a suicide mission for a reason. 

And after she survived she was the cause of millions of batarians lost their lives. Something that was still eating her alive up till now. Even though she knew there was no other choice she felt like a murderer. 

Then the Reapers came and everyone was shocked, except Shepard and her team. They knew this would happen but they were far from being prepared. 

And now others paid for that.

Families being broken apart by this war. People had to fight though they never held a rifle because if they didn’t, they’d die. Children that have still a bright future, orphans because the reapers took it from them. 

Was that it? Was it Thane dying?

He shouldn’t have died today. He was in the final stages of Kepral's syndrome. It wasn’t a surprise that he died, but rather how he died. He shouldn’t have sacrificed himself to save a council member. 

Shepard planned to get Kai Leng and make him pay. 

But perhaps it wasn’t Thane's death. Perhaps it was that she didn’t feel like going to her Cabin and keep her mind busy. But finding the shuttle bay without Vega and Cortez changed that. It gave her space to break down . 

Shepard wasn’t doing okay. Not by a long shot. It’s been like this for a long time. Kaidan knew it. She could see it in his eyes, the way when he looked at her when she tried to assure him she was fine. He knew her too well.

So she lost it. Her fist went without her permission and punched the wall. It was a way of trying to let go of the anger and heartbreak. Because even though she was breaking apart, piece by piece, she couldn’t afford it . 

“Shepard?” She heard a soft and caring voice.

Shepard cursed under her breath and shut her eyes. She thought she was alone, she didn’t want to break down in front of Kaidan of all people. It would mean the times she said she was doing okay were just lies. 

“Whoa! Have you been standing there the whole time?” She tried to keep her voice light and friendly. 

“Shepard.” He used a different tone. As if he gave her permission to break down in front of him. But she couldn’t do that even if she wanted to. 

But then it hit her. She already lost it. 

“Yeah?” she said as if she didn’t know full well what he meant. 

He stepped closer. The space between them got a lot smaller. “I wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

She smiled at him but in her heart, she knew that it wouldn’t be convincing at all. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

He stepped even closer. “Shepard you just lost a friend. I didn’t know him but…”

“It’s fine,” she shook her head. She didn’t mean it’s fine that he died but that she was doing fine. But by this time he knew her too well. “It’s just-” Shepard interrupted herself with a heavy sigh. 

This time Kaidain wrapped his arms around her. They both knew she was a person that needed her space to breathe. Shepard never wanted to be held all the time but this was one of those situations that she really needed to have that physical contact. She breathed his scent in. 

“It’s okay to depend on the people around you,” he said as she buried her face in his neck. “It’s okay to talk. Talk to me.”

There was a lump in her throat that wanted to come out but Shepard wouldn’t let it. Now wasn’t the time. They stood like this for a while. No one breathed a word. They could’ve stayed like that for hours. Even seconds. Time had no meaning. 

Then she let go of him. “They shouldn’t have to pay for this war.” 

It was something she already said to Liara. Kaidan heard it too. But that phrase had more meaning than she could say. 

“I know,” Kaidan said . “We’ll win this.”

She scoffed at that, “How do you know that? How could you? What if we do all of this and in the end, it was for nothing? Everyone dies in vain. Every soldier. Every innocent person. ” Shepard was spiralling. But since the Crucible came up it was exactly what she has been doing. Because the truth was Shepard didn’t have faith in it. The only reason she pursued it was because they had no other choice.

This time he squeezed her shoulder, “I believe in you. In us.”

“But what if that isn’t enough?” Shepard spoke her fears out. “What makes this cycle so special to survive where others perished?”

“We learned from them,” Kaidan said. She knew he was right. The Protheans gave them a chance to fight by leaving them plans for the Crucible.

She shook her head. It wasn’t enough for her. “Thane shouldn’t have died. Not like that. Hell, I almost lost you thanks to this damn war.”

Kaidan couldn’t know what she talked about. It could’ve been Virmire. It could’ve been on Mars. It could’ve been the hundreds of times they almost lost each other. 

But instead, Kaidan focussed on Thane. “I know.”

“He should’ve been able to spend his last time with his son. He was taken too soon.”

“He died protecting someone.” he reminded her. 

“I know," but she was thankful for the reminder. Sometimes she forgot what they were fighting for but it didn’t answer her why yet. “How much do we have to sacrifice in this war?” she demanded. “Are we losing ourselves in the process?”

There headed decisions on her shoulders that shouldn’t be hers. Who is she to make those decisions? The burden became too heavy long time ago and Kaidan was the only one who saw it. 

“We’ll take it one step at a time,” Kaidan said, “And we’ll fight until we can’t any longer.”

“But is it enough?”

The question was left in the atmosphere.

* * *

Kaidan and Shepard spoke for hours upon hours. About the war. She told him stories about Thane and they laughed together. He had such a great influence on the crew. 

When she met the assassin she had no idea he’d have such an important impact on her life. 

Afterwards, they talked about the good old times on the SR1. 

“Thank you,” she said afterwards. “I really needed this.” It felt like there was a heavy burden off from her shoulders. 

He smiled at her, “We’ll win this. Together.”

“Together.” she repeated.

Kaidan always knew what to say. 

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to come and say hi on [ Tumblr ](https://rpgwarrior4824.tumblr.com/).


End file.
